I’m sure everyone is expecting me to sound off about Texas Big Beer Brewery closing. It’s no secret that I have a history of voicing my displeasure with their choices in the past relating to crowdfunding. But I’m not going to do that.
First of all, I got most of my ranting out of my system via social media and more importantly, when I contacted Texas Big Beer for comment, they ignored my request for information (as of the time of publishing). So anything I could write here would be hyperbole and speculation and I’m not in the business of either.
Instead, I’m bringing you everyone’s favorite internet distraction, listicles. Completely unrelated to Texas Big Beer, of course. Because, you know, I’m not writing about them at all.
So many possibilities here. And while I won’t subject you to every potential listicle that crossed my mind, I will let you in on the options I mulled over.
Option one: top 10 ways to alienate craft beer customers.
Option two: top 10 better things to do than attend a closing night party of a brewery with consistently questioned ethics.
Option three: top 10 farm related reasons to start your next crowdfunding campaign.
And, of course, the obvious winner which was option four: top 10 things to do with undesired, unsolicited crowdfunding proceeds…besides just keeping it.
Top 10 Things to do w/ Undesired, Unsolicited Crowdfunding Proceeds…Besides Just Keeping It
1. Give to a charity (this one should be fairly obvious). People donated money to what they considered to be a good cause, but hey, you’re a proud guy. You’ve never asked for anything in your entire life, so you couldn’t POSSIBLY accept this. Best to give it to people who really need it.
2. Throw a kickass party for everybody who contributed and don’t charge them an additional dime. Send the money back from whence it came in the most festive fashion possible – beer, food, and maybe even a piñata.
3. Politely turn down the funds. Unless, of course, they threaten to hold you down, open your pockets, and forcibly shove money into them. No means no!
4. Trick out your work vehicle. Maybe bubbles from the exhaust pipe…or at least a dead animal mounted to the front.
5. Invest in chickens. Sure, you’re no farmer, but inflation is rampant and Bitcoin is just a fad. Chickens are forever…like stamps.
6. Buy a puppy. I know that’s kind of like keeping it, but puppies are adorable.
7. Donate the funds to an organization closely tied to the original intention of the funds. For example, I write about craft beer, so I would have given it to the Texas Craft Brewers Guild, but that’s just me. You do you.
8. Pay for basic operating and startup costs. Budgets are for losers…you’re no nerd!
9. Design and construct a fence-building shop. Then, build a fence to keep out the angry mob of donors who thought their funds were going to be used wisely.
10. Fuck it! Just keep it. It wasn’t that much money anyway. This is exhausting. You’re retiring soon anyway and remember, you don’t have that much debt.
